I have been considering staring a blog for several months now. And of course, all of the old excuses were there waiting for me as soon as the idea came to mind: I'm too busy, I'm too tired, I don't have anything to say, at least nothing interesting. While I am busy and tired and going losing my marbles most of the time, the real reason I waited so long really boiled down to one thing. FEAR. Which is the whole point of me starting this blog. To face fear. Fear of writing publicly, putting myself out there, putting myself first, admitting what I want and asking for it. It seemed like I was asking for a lot. Was I really going to allow myself to take time away from my family, wifely duties (term used loosely here), household chores, and school work to hide away in my office and put myself first? Hell yeah! I made a commitment to take care of my family, and as strange a concept as it may seem, I am in my family too!
When I had my daughter, Emma, nearly three years ago, I felt an enormous amount pressure to be this picture perfect Gerber commercial mommy. I was terrified. I was 25 years old and still in the readjustment period from my deployment in Afghanistan just 2 months earlier. How could I be the ideal mom when I was not (am not) anywhere near a picture perfect person. In my mind I had failed before I even began. What a great way to start parenthood. A month after Emma was born, we had moved to North Carolina and I was pregnant again. Away from all my family and friends I tried to suck it up while my husband was gone all of the time with the military. Before I knew it, I had quite school and work, staying at home with my two beautiful children and the walls started to cave in. I felt robbed. It wasn't the circumstances that I resented. It was the feeling that these were decisions that were made for me, not by me. I would relish in the giggles and triumphs of my growing babies. Those moments were my life force. But in the silence that fell during nap time, I would find myself completely void of emotion. I was numb, lost. It didn't have to be that way.
The biggest mistake I made was falling into a victimization mentality. I let all those same excuses that held me off this blog and off writing, hold me off of life. By not deciding, I was deciding. I felt I couldn't be what I was supposed to be so that meant I wasn't anything at all. That is just rediculous. And I am not alone! We have the ability to be and do it all. We just have to make the choice and get to it. Don't buy into all of these prepackaged roles we are pressured to pick from. We arn't this or that. We are all of it and none of it, ever changing as the world changes us and because of us.
This is my journey, my experience. Creating it how I want it. Being a good mom, wife, and person in my own terms. Finding the joy IN me, instead of looking for someone else to give it to me. Life is crazy, and I go crazy with it. That's okay. I accept that I get a little looney sometimes. I also know that even if it seems like a nightmare, its still my dream, and I am in charge. I like being in charge.
So here we are. Just you, me, and the entire electronic world. Let's see what happens next...